Rio Grounds Crew Working Around the Clock to Add Finishing Holes Ahead of Ravens–Cowboys Game

By Drew Conclusions

Senior Correspondent, Bad Take Bureau

Published September 21, 2026

RIO DE JANEIRO - Reports coming in from Maracanã Stadium in Brazil that the grounds crew has been working overtime to ensure that the playing surface will be adequately rough for Sunday's matchup between the Ravens and the Cowboys.

"Eu não falo inglês." said João da Silva, head groundskeeper, when we asked why they felt the need to make the field so terrible. Crews have spent the last few weeks filling several uneven patches and creating several new ones.

"It is an art and a science" Mark Myword, a spokesperson for the project said. "Rio is known for heavy rainfall, and these drainage holes allow that water to collect instead of run off the field like a standard stadium. We want muddy, boots on the ground classic football" He refused to elaborate on what exactly that means.

While the field raises concern about player safety, it does meet the standards for a minimal viable playing surface. The latest official inspection noted 37 minor divots, 14 moderate depressions, and only 3 'holes' well under the 5 allowed under current policy. Officials said that an impressive 92% of the field is grass, with estimates that the number could raise as high as 96% by game time.

We spoke with some medical professionals who sounded concerned about the field's condition. One professional from the Achilles Institute, choosing to remain anonymous, simply stated "It is a bad day to be an ankle". but later clarified "...but boy do I love muddy, boots on the ground football". Also refusing to elaborate on the phrase.

It is important to note that after revenue, international expansion, and avoiding schedule changes, player safety is a top priority for the league. "The field will look green on television" a league official stated. "It will be perfect for that muddy, boots on the ground football we have all come to love".

At press time, the field's status was upgraded to "Questionable"